Don't let the sheepish grin fool you

Greg James.At first glance it appears I have posted a picture of Greg Oden smiling and a smaller picture of Greg Oden laughing. Or is it Lebron James in both pictures? Or is it...exactly my point. Greg Oden and Lebron James are the same person. How sweet is that.

Lebron's identity crisis began with Sprite where, "Thirst" was the name of Lebron's alter ego. Thirst would complement Lebron's house and compete with him to obtain the last bottle of Sprite. A year later, "The Lebron's" by Nike comes out where TheBron does his best Eddie Murphy impression and plays four versions of himself. A few months after that, a man by the name Greg Oden miraculously appears in an Ohio State uniform who shoots free throws left-handed. Come on. As Nick has said, "Greg Oden looks like Lebron James after a tour in Iraq."

The two options thus are as follows and equally as likely: Either Greg Oden is actually Lebron James (remember, Bron didn't get to play in college...) like I have suggested. Or, Lebron fathered his first child at the age of three. Not that unlikely. This option could be supported by developmental problems that would arise from three year-old sperm. By that I mean Greg Oden ages four times faster than a normal man. Robin Williams had this problem in Jack.

The Hearts No-Hitter.

Winning in regular fashion at Hearts is for chumps. In this picture I shot the moon three times and on the fourth turn - when no cards are passed - I still collected no points and won in the minimum amount of turns necessary to reach 100. Notice that I chose my words carefully. The Hearts perfect game would be to shoot the moon four times in a row. This unbelievably rare feat I have accomplished twice, but without proof I don't expect you to believe me. In all honesty I've been trying for the perfect game for months now. All I could show you is my no-hitter. Whatever, you're still impressed.

Pauline, Michelle and especially Ben stood no chance to my overly

clever name of the number zero.

Life After Death Disc 2. When is last time you've listened to this cd in its entirety. Unless it was yesterday, it's been too long. This album rudely reminds you exactly how unbelievable The Notorious B.I.G was. The fact that Brooklyn Biggie fans still pour out a fifth on the anniversary of his death in no longer peculiar to me. I may pour out a fifth everytime his name is mentioned in passing. Christopher George Latore Wallace, the name of my next child, died at the age of 24. Twenty-four. To put Latore's age and ability into perspective, I've put together a list of people who would have to die today to leave this world in the same fashion as Biggie did:

Vince Young, Reggie Bush, Barack Obama, Roger Federer and Ryan Howard.

I hope that helps you appreciate Biggie a little more.

By the way - Don't forget that Tupac died the same year as well. I don't think you could imagine if both Reggie and Vince had their posse's shoot each other to death and what that would do to football. In fact, please don't imagine that if you are trying.

On that note I would like to divulge into what I find to be quite lame...

Ripping off Notorious. Rappers have sampled so many Biggie beats and used so many of Latore's epic lyrics that I myself could not possibly keep up with all of the stolen lyrics. Listen to Life After Death and you'll realize how you've eerily heard most of these songs before, but you still like Big's version better. I give you an example that absolutely stunned me. In Don't Fail Me Now, Mike Jones** says a clever lyric that I always thought was enjoyable. Mike claims that a girl is feenin for his semen. I laugh even now when I think about this lyric. However, Biggie came up with this line first in Nasty Boy. Search for "feenin" and you'll see. I was so embarrassed that from now on any good rap lyric I will claim as Biggie's until proven otherwise.

**He who will remain nameless. From now on I'm referring to Mike Jones as He who will remain nameless. Back in August, He Who I Copy (Jim Stanley) complained about the non-existent promise of The American Dream. It's under the "anti" section midway down in A message to Mike Jones. Read that whole post if you want, its pretty amazing. Don't read too much though or you'll see how much better Jim is than me, also lame. But that is neither here nor there. Where was I... ah yes, from now, just like in The Lord of the Rings, or The Village, whenever anyone says Mike Jones, I'll act as if they just summoned the devil.

If push comes to shove don't think I won't ban the playing of any He who will remain nameless songs in my apartment. I'll f-ing do it.

The Bodyguard. As you may know, right now I'm in Puerto Rico without Sportscenter. That is certainly lame, but what I've noticed having to read my sports news instead of watch it is that Tank Johnson's bodyguard is getting more press than Vladimir Putin. My goodness. After hearing that Terry Johnson (I knew his real name wasn't Tank) was shot at but wasn't hit I thought, nay, hoped I'd never hear of it again. There are two stories detailing the shooting of Terry's bodyguard and now a photo of the killer has been released! Am I insensitive or is absolutely not giving two flying shits about the slaying of a nobody

This man killed

another man. So.

bodyguard guarding the body of an equally lesser person NOT newsworthy. Lets clear up a few things - A 300 pound football player does not have a bodyguard, he has a posse. Someone in Terry Johnson's posse was not slain, he was shot (thanks Chris Rock). I should probably stop writing.

I'm not ready to talk about:

Terry's bodyguard (anymore). The Puerto Rican kid I saw throwing a baseball 80 yards on the fly... into a 10 mph win.