Continued...
Group F - or as I called it, Brazil's warm-up.
Brazil - This team was supposedly a let down. I'm not convinced. Sure they had 7 of 11
allstars on their team, the most prolific (or soon to be) goal scorer, the ugliest yet prettiest soccer player on the planet. Oh ya,
Kaka, Adriano,
Cafu, Roberto Carlos and
Robinho (off the bench). But I'm getting to the players. Chemistry I must say was the issue.
Cafu - the stereotypical
Brazilian defender. This man may have invented the overlap as far as I'm concerned. My favorite part of his game is that he would hard foul someone, then genuinely smile and help them up. Its so hard to get mad at
Cafu with that smile.
Juan - I'm not making this up. I was playing on the
Brazilian squad. I went by my first name of course. I had some sticks. If it weren't too easy I would have gotten this jersey.
Roberto Carlos - he's making the
face I make when I see one of his free-kicks go right, left, right then left again before hitting the back of the net. Pure power.
Adriano - he's one of those players I wonder about. He's clearly project pat sick of the sicker but he's around so much talent he almost doesn't/can't get enough touches. He scored 2 goals though - although for one, which I crack up when I watch, he was offsides the
entire play.
Kaka - I have to admit I was late picking up his talent. I had heard rumors that he's the next (insert numerous disgusting
Brazilians)_____ and I doubted it. I doubted it until I saw his artistic goal.
Serene. I hate how he looks up, sees it and its in before anyone knows what happened. I'm a believer now - especially after watching the Brazil - Portugal friendly. But I'll get to the
friendly's later.
Ronaldo -
HD did not help the weight rumors. I shouldn't even call them rumors because he was actually pretty fat. Phat enough to bury 3 goals in your face.
Holla. His record setter was gorgeous.
Watch the feet, watch them damnt.
Ronaldinho - critics claimed he had a bad world cup. I wouldn't go that far. When teams come out with a strategy of - don't let
Ronaldinho beat us - other peeps have to pick up their game. He surprised me both with how good his touch was sometimes, and with how bad it was sometimes. I still can't wait to see him again.
Fred - Jim's favorite player, couldn't get over the name.
Robinho - he came off the bench, which is pretty typical Brazil talent, he could obviously start on most other squads. I however haven't bought into his hype yet. All I hear is how great he is but I actually thought he came off the bench and played shitty. I'll give him another chance though.
Australia - this should have been a different team, that's all I'll say. What a
Cinderella story though. I have to admit I liked them advancing instead of the Croats or Japan.
Tim Cahill - you haven't heard of him, neither have I, but watch him
victimize Japan.
Twice.
Neill - This man committed
The Foul. It was a foul, seriously don't argue with me on this, it was a foul. Heartbreaking, devastating, and most importantly, a foul. Unless you're Australian and blinded by your emotions, which I completely understand, you have no case.
Croatia - I liked their unis. Very fun. I kinda wish they'd played better soccer though.
Group G - the easiest group in the
tournySwitzerland - the first place finisher of this (yawn) group. I honestly haven't heard of a player on this squad and they tied 0-0 twice. That infuriated me. They get no players mentioned. I hate the argument that soccer is too low scoring to be exciting (I'll address that later as well) but 180 minutes of scoreless soccer does kind of suck.
France - I have
alot to say about this team
Viera - somebody that watched France for the first time and knew no history would have said Patrick was the best player on the team. For this goal I was screaming, "
ICE THAT mother f%$#%$!!! Stop being so fundamentally sound Patrick,
seriously. I loved this man.
Makalele - fun name to say. Good
skillz as well.
Zidane - the maestro. This 34 year-old scored three goals.
Watch his audacity. He iced Portugal with a pk and buried Italy's pk as well. He also had an assist. He did everything. Everything includes a regretful red card as well. It was dumb and I wish he hadn't, but it doesn't affect my opinion of him. He had such a memorable Cup and was such a memorable player. Truly inspirational.
I have no idea?Wiltord - France's mistake. This man came in instead of
Trezegoal. I despised that so much. France's scheme infuriated me.
Henry -
Thierry Unreal. Watch the
definition of France soccer. Defensive stop,
Zissou sexing my face, then the captain to
Titi Henry. I love that nickname by the way. Watch him calmly make love to Korea and
never call them back.
Ease the nerves Titi, ease them. What can you actually say about Henry. He makes it looks so easy. He's so comfortable on the field his mother must have given birth to a soccer ball that grew up to be a man. I need proof he's human. Seriously. Jim's not gay, but he would be for
Thierry... I'd watch.
Trezeguet - there were
alot of heartbreaking moments in 06, but David missing the pk absolutely crushed me. Like a family member I'll love him no matter what he does. I wish other people would realize how sick
Trezegol really is.
Exhibit A. If you've watched nothing up to this point, this is the only video I really do want you to click on.
Know how angry I am
Domenech played him 112 minutes. Seething mad. Even though I consider that the biggest coaching mistake of the
tourny its hard to quantify since France made it to the finals.
Domenech was the only reason I rooted against France.
Ribery - what a surprise. He finished second place behind
Robben for surprise performance of the
tourny. Is he uglier than
Ronaldinho? This is what he has to say
about that. Note
Viera's pass.
Korea - no sir
Togo - please leave
Group H Spain - the Peyton Manning of the World Cup. Oh wait, I can't say that anymore. Ha! Suckers. Sorry.
Espana scored the most goals in the group stage and everyone knew it didn't mean a thing. Turns out everyone was right.
Puyol - I'm gonna have to go with... consistently beat. He seemed to be in every highlight against Spain chasing the eventual goal scorer. He got crossed hard by
Zissou and through-balled in his mouth several times. In the previous post I said I'd get back to you about
Frings - I had been confusing him for
Puyol.
Raul - pedestrian
Torres - wishes he was Cristiano. I'm not hating though, I wish that too. Three goals is impressive on such a stage.
He's my age.
Joaguin - electric, when he was in that is.
Fabregas - as Jim Jones would say, "
baller." Nothing spectacular out of him, but he was solid.
Ukraine - how many times did you find yourself saying, "The Ukraine is weak," like Kramer. Not true in fact. You would have been right after their first game against Spain (4-nil) but they
Juve bounced back quite nicely. Lovely yellow unis too.
Shevchenko - You were right, he is the only player on this team. Nice header
Shev. I've always marvelled at how one player can literally carry an entire team.
Shev is a good example of that.
Tunisia - not so much
Saudi Arabia - please don't kill me. Did anyone else feel that if this squad made the quarters or something Osama would have had to come to the game?
you didn't think I forgot did you?
Group E - the self-proclaimed "group of death." I scoffed at that diagnosis. It sounded like something Bruce Arena came up with.
But Juan, the US made it to the quarters last year. The quarters!!!
Let me remind you our group was South Korea (advanced) Poland and Portugal. We tied Korea, beat Portugal, and lost to Poland. Portugal slaughtered Poland by the way. We advanced and beat Mexico in the next round. Do you wanna know how weak Mexico was that year? In the
Concacaf (the laughable qualifying region we're in) Mexico lost to South Korea, who we later beat. South Korea then lost to Canada later in the
tourny. That makes Canada better than Mexico. More on this logic later. We of course then after having the most favorable draw I can imagine faced
ze Germans to lose.
What's your point you rambling a-hole?
My point is that the weakest team in a group cannot declare their group as the Group of Death. Imagine Toledo claiming they have the hardest region in the NCAA
Tourny because Florida, Georgetown, Memphis and Duke are in their region. Um... you're Toledo. That's how I felt when ESPN claims we're in the Group of Death. In our defense;
- Ghana was the best
african nation in the
tourny. But, no African nation has ever made the final four so
that's like saying Ghana was the best Atlantic 10 team in the cup (see Tunisia). The Czech Republic, a European team in Europe, sure. But, the
Czech's weren't in my top 5 European teams (Germany, France, Portugal, Spain, Italy in case you were wondering). Then the Italians - I guess they were alright. Essentially, we're not a guaranteed contender, so we don't add to the status of the group.
My final point is to present to you "Groups of Death" in previous years. Replace the worse team in these groups with the US and we got Terry
Shiavo.
2002 - Argentina, England, Sweden, Nigeria
1998 - Spain, Paraguay, Nigeria, Bulgaria
You didn't hear Nigeria complaining... That's clearly a lie but you get the picture.
On an especially sweet note - Uruguay (2-time winner) is where the phrase Group of Death came from. In 86 we got housed with Germany, Denmark and Scotland. This will be the last time Uruguay is brought up for anything pertaining to this post. I'm not ready to talk about that.
Italia - They won and they did it with their good looks and Armani strewn fans. That and exceptional teamwork. I
recap'ed all their goals from the
tourny and none were especially spectacular. They were however all devastating goals.
Buffon - the goalie. I was hoping he'd mess up because his name would do wonders for my punchlines. Turns out this 190cm beast of a man let up 2 goals all
tourny. Very pretty blue eyes too.
De Rossi - very attractive as well. He's the guy that elbowed McBride in the face and would have missed the world cup final had he not given a highly emotional appeal to
Fifa. It was said he cried - it worked and he worked.
Cannavaro - the anchor of their defense. It can also be said that he let up 2 goals all tournament. A brick wall. The ladies liked this guy - I thought he could have used some hair.
*all the players up to this point have had gorgeous blue eyes
Del Piero - Alessandro that is. My parents bought me his jersey when they went to Italy. I was pretty angry at the time, they genuinely didn't understand so I wear it. He had a goal and proved valuable off the bench.
Toni - damn you Luca with your sexy name and amazing physique. This man is an athletic specimen.
Check out his boxout, flowing hair and enjoyable celebration. He actually invented this celebration - I don't know what it means. People in the English Premier League have started doing it. When he came on the screen in
HD my mom for the first time ever commented on how cool
HD tv is.
Totti - what a
badass. Ice cold when he iced Australia on the pk. An older player who didn't show it.
Iaquinta -
Just because I love the italian announcers. He complemented Toni well.
Pirlo - the
Riquelme of the Italian squad. He had an unbelievable touch and made great passes.
Materazzi - He got
Zissou'd. He may have called
Zidane's mother a terrorist whore. Someone in Italy frowned on this
in between pouring bottles of champagne on a woman's breasts.
Mazzerati also scored 2 goals.
Geez - everyone on this team contributed.
Ghana - they had some real talent for their first time in. What an exciting squad.
Essien -
oh my goodness (thanks Jim). What an
unBELIEVAble strike indeed. I show you that because he unfortunately didn't have any goals in the cup. Like any other superstar though you always looked for him on the field and noticed good things.
Appiah - he put the
dagger directly into our hearts.
Gyan - everyone called him
Asamoah. He was one of two insanely athletic forwards for this team.
PimPong - I couldn't leave him out because
UniVision made him very very memorable. He's also the one who got
Iguchi Oneywu'dDraman - don't ever forget the 22' minute.
This may be painful to watch.
Czechoslovakia - I was in Hotlanta visiting Jeff when the Czech - USA game was on and Jeff's cable provider for the entire block went down 7 minutes to kick. I don't think I could have panicked more. Jeff had an exam to attend (isn't that unconstitutional) and thus I had no car. I had to run, actually run, to a restaurant far enough outside of the cable "block" that had the game showing. Two miles down the road and 4 restaurants later I arrived at a Mexican restaurant actually soaked in my own sweat. I arrived and it was already 1-0 Czech. It was the only 7 minutes I missed of the entire World Cup.
Jan Koller - what a brute. Could this ball have been
headed any harder. It may have been harder than the cross itself. Take it easy.
Wow, this is getting hard to watch.
Nedved - Nice hair, ya ya he's good. On to the US.
The United States of America - by the transitive property we finished tied for first with Italy (we're the only Italian tie, making us equals). That's about all the good I'll have for you about this team.
Mastroeni - is there a reason this man is slide tackling cleats up after the Italians already had
Rossi thrown out
????????? Sure it was probably a make up call but anyone who watches soccer enough knows that after one red card, the ref is looking to equalize things. I can think of no better time than the completely irrational tackle of
Pirlo (in the offensive end). Just so you ref complainers out there know, Fifa did not reprimand this official at all. Nothing. Fifa publicly and regularly takes action on bad referees or bad calls. Nothing happened to this ref.
O Brien - remember this sob story about how he got to make the team? He played 45 minutes. Awesome.
Eddie Lewis - blah
Dempsey - Clint clearly didn't understand that if he shanks this
goal, nobody would ever forget. I say this because, watch the replay closely - he
crushes this ball
open laces!!! 99 out of a 100 times a goal scorer like Titi Henry or Crespo
places this ball with the
inside of their foot. When I saw the replay for the first time I nearly fainted. Beasley's cross may have been the most anticipated cross I've ever watched live. Unbelievable. Clint was one of three players who played unafraid. It may be because he's the most
gangster US soccer player of all time.
Eddie Johnson - a disaster. What a regretful outing. What were people seeing in him?? Stupid Wynalda - the worst announcer and analyst in the history of the game - was berating Arenas to play Johnson. Talk about playing scared.
Reyna - the only "old" player of the tourny that left horribly.
Wow, did that really happen. I heard someone describe the play as, "Reyna got B-buttoned." Like from Fifa... absolutely fascinating description.
Conrad - he sucked.
Bobby Convey - the only mistake I would say Arenas made was not playing him enough. Convey was a breath of fresh air. I mean that. He makes the second of three players that played unafraid.
DaMarcus Beasley - his only play was the Dempsey pass. Every other touch of his was catastrophic. I can't remember how many times I said, "Goddamnt Beasley!!!!"
Kasey Keller - He had one memorable save (Italy). Several memorable highlights of him getting lit up (Ghana, Rosicky x2, Italy)
McBride - he hit the post twice. He did everything we could have asked. He looked like a badass all bloody too. Real fans get a McBride jersey, not a Donovan jersey. The third of three players that played unafraid.
Donovan - did his flight make it to Germany?
Onyewu - I was watching the USA - Mexico friendly and Wynalda (who else) complained that Oguch was playing abroad, which contractually didn't let him play in some US games, part of the reason playing in Europe is bad. I won't even refute that comment as it would embarrass me. I will say this. He didn't foul PimPong in the Ghana game - that was a bad call. What I will say though is that he's six foot something a hundred and eighty something and PimPong may have been 5 6 a buck 20. That's why it was called. Sorry Oguch, and enjoy Europe. Oh, I'll add him to my list. He's the fourth of three players that played unafraid - I mean, what would this man fear?
Eddie Pope - see Conrad.
In summary this team scored 2 goals, earned 1 point, and finished last in the group. Most find this disappointing, but I feel those people had too high of expectations. Personally I was pretty elated their final game meant something. I know I make it seem like I hated this team, I mean, I did hate alot, but I loved watching their games and even though I bitched, my heart was with them all along. Arenas got blamed for way too many downfalls of the team and if Wynalda never spoke about soccer again I wouldn't mind. Eric is more to blame than Bruce, there I said it.
version of her nipple. Is she serious!! I feel like the Essien goal commentator. "Oh my goodness (14 sec mark)" This has to be a joke. I wanted to ask her so badly if she realized a semi-NUDE PICTURE of her is currently on the Internet. Blah blah obviously she is good looking and she actually has a shot at winning the competition but "oh my goodness" - I was worried about my blog hampering my future, this is the equivalent of posting a picture of myself with one ball hanging out of my boxers! Can you imagine going to a job interview and your employer pulls this picture up on their computer? Even better, they pull up this blog entry and show you an enlarged highly pixelated picture of your own nipple with two giant red arrows I might add specifying the location of the nipple should you not know basic anatomy! I don't think I was ready to talk about this.
