Cold Case

It's been almost two years exactly since Duke's Team of Destiny were accused of raping an exotic dancer. Everyone has their own opinion on the matter but I think we can all agree the media made things worse.

Fast forward two years and guess what you get. You get the senseless murder of an academically decorated Eve Carson and the police release this photo.

Hmmmm...

I think I've seen this before

- that was my first thought. Turns out I was right. After scouring the internet I found more potential suspects. They are pictured to the left.



















<---- This one is the most promising.









You have to admit the resemblance is uncanny. And before you get upset and think I'm being inappropriate you should do a few things.

- Listen to Bob Dylan's Hurricane
- Recall that photos released of "suspects" are just that. Team of Destiny anyone?
- Sign onto Facebook and check out all the racist, bigoted comments "seemingly" outraged students have written in UNC-murder group. Wow.
- Consider that there have been 50 brown bear related deaths recorded from 1900 to 2003... meaning that alot of brown bears are getting away with murder.
- If this guy ends up being innocent, wonder whether or not thousands of Duke lawyers will back him and eventually he will counter sue for millions of dollars due to defamation. Well maybe not Duke lawyers because of the whole rivalry thing, but UNC lawyers for sure.
- Recall possibly the greatest line ever used to declare your own innocence, "You've all been told some fantastic lies." Those dukies sure are smart.

February 14th - Enter The Fray

Let's clear up a few things concerning Valentine's day:

1) This never happens ---->

Come on people - get with the program. First of all, when is the last time a girl gave some dude a Valentine's day card. And when was the last time you've smiled that much from receiving a "card." Card's suck. Not only that, but the inaccurate picture reveals something bigger at play here. A girl would never give you a material thing on Valentine's Day because women restitute your material gifts on "romantic" occasions with sexual favors.

"Honey, you got me a car (hug)!!! My gift to you is that I'm going to pretend to enjoy sex!"

I'm sure those diamond earrings I got you are gonna last as long as this ephemeral sexual moment. Awesome.

2) <----- This is also just as rare. Most women think they want to get a 144 roses at work but if this were to actually occur - they'd be very embarrassed and wish you had put this effort into something else. That's the key. Your significant other, sometimes with the help of her trifling single friends, will always think of some way your romantic efforts could have been better utilized.

The advertisements for Valentine's Day eerily remind me of another advertising campaign. That of Harrahs and Casino Queen.

Doesn't this seem familiar? --->
This picture is comical in several ways. I'm willing to ignore that there appears to be over 100 thousand dollars on the table at this moment and just accept that every number has been bet. Yet, somehow, everyone is celebrating. Unless pictured are stock holders of this particular casino, the celebration doesn't make sense. My reader(s) who frequent casinos know that the ratio of happy people to miserable people is conservatively 1 to 50. I'm content to pass that number over to Valentine's day.

One out of every fifty couples enjoy Valentine's Day with no fight or letdown. So if this year wasn't your year, don't worry, you have 49 more years to get it right.

Bitter? Of course not. Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Something About Airplanes

It’s the return of the On-Flight Post! Unedited in its pure form except for spelling and later peer revision.

Allow me first to paint you a picture of my traveling experience thus far. My flight left this morning from the Lou, stopping in the home of Jermaine Dupri, or as he so eloquently put, last name Dupri, first name “The Boss.” – it was in some commercial or something – and finishing in the District. For those of you keeping score, that’s St Louis to Washington DC with a layover in Atlanta. Leaving at 6:10 am is quite lame but I recall the later flights being 80 one-dollar doubloons more expensive. Saving money is sweet. Anyway, I arrived at the airport at 5:15 in a hurry and only semi-conscious. This must have affected my decision-making because I would soon put on two blazers. I didn’t have anymore carry-on items left for a jacket bag and of course I can’t stuff a nice blazer into my computer bag. I accepted responsibility and put both the blazers on. The initial response from other travelers was not good but once the shock wore off, they (and me) realized that wearing two blazers was pretty awesome. So much so that my next outfit to the bars in DC will be two blazers, two polo’s, collars popped, and two undershirts with an overall color scheme of seafoam and coral. I’ll have plaid pants on, boat shoes and I’ll order white wine in a red wine glass.

A quick aside – Did you know that according to UGK there are two types of bitches… bitches that will, those that won’t, bitches that can, those that can’t and finally, bitches that know they are, and those that ain’t. RIP Chad Butler.

Back to the lame… I’m in row 31 of 31 and my seat doesn’t have a window. There is a lot of turbulence and I am getting fairly nauseated. This post may end in misery for me. I need to keep my composure because sitting next to me is a real cutie with an uncanny resemblance to the girl next door (pictured). You know how you have your head on a swivel for who is going to be your seat neighbor. You watch that fat man’s eyes and hope they don’t settle on 31. Then you see a hottie and you’re just wishing she sits next to you. Well this time it actually happened!
Rumor has it… that I definitely won’t say anything to her because I’m one of the two aforementioned types of bitches.
It’s getting to be quite awkward in fact because I don’t have a window so whenever I stop and look up to abate my dizziness I really have no choice but to stare at her in silence. She’s pretending to be asleep anyway. I don’t blame her – without my two blazers I am a simple man wearing jeans and an old rams t-shirt. I didn’t shower this morning either so I probably smell pretty bad. I will have the last word though. My plan is such that when we land I’ll ask her to hand me my blazes from the overhead and then smile coyly while I put the second one on oooover the first one. Once her shock wears off I’ll make sure to give her my number. You know, if I feel like it.

Although rare, there are times when I am embarrassed of the music I listen to. Normally I would pull up my itunes and select UGK confidently but upon further inspection of the song titles, mainly:


Grind Hard
Two Type of Bitches (singular)
Trill [People] Don’t Lie (my edit)
Chrome Plated Woman

I think I’ll minimize the screen this time. After all, there is no reason my seat neighbors need to see that I’m listening to “Swishas and Dosha.”

Well that’s all I got for you, it was a short hour and eleven minute flight from Dupri to the District. Hope you enjoyed it and ask me later if you want to know how the plan turned out.

I’m not ready to talk about:
How effing motion sick I am. This guy is drunk behind the handles.

Double Take

Sorry, I just had to post this one more time.*

*I'm really not sorry.

Strictly Sports

Waiter, for starters I would like the cheese sampler.

The NFL

What I know: The Patriots, Colts, Cowboys and Packers are the only teams that matter. Pittsburgh's defense is overrated (if you even think they have a good defense) and since their style of play mandates that they have a good defense, they don't matter. The Jaguars have Del Rio, who has flown under the radar as a terrible playoff coach for too long. The Chargers have a bad defense, a bad quarterback, and without HOF fullback L. Neal blocking for LaDainian, a diminished running game. The Seahawks can always spoil things, but not so much on the road. The Bucs are OK at everything, but great at nothing.

The Browns are the only team I think can really stir things up. They are a cold weather team. The have a good O-line and apparently a good quarterback. Leigh Bodden is arguably the best corner in the league and you didn't even know (not you Eebs). The only problem is that they actually have to make the playoffs and believe it or not, this depends on whether or not Adam bet on them to win the division. He's Cleveland's anti-muse.


What I don't know: How much Dwight Freeney's injury is gonna hurt the Colts. Who the Patriots really are as a team. You have to admit the parallels to the '04 Colts are eery. What I don't know is if the Pats really can't run the ball and if their defense is as bad as they have looked. This leads me perfectly into


What I want: I want the Patriots to lose to the Dolphins, beat the Giants to keep them out of the playoffs, then lose to anyone in the playoffs. Anyone but the Pats can win the superbowl for all I care, so long as the games are good.


The verdict - the NFL is lame.


The NHL

What I know: The Blues are a legit contender this year and the Red Wings are even better. The Flyers, typical for Philly, are the dirtiest team in the league and like Bono, a big piece of shit. I also know why the Blues were so bad after the rule changes and why they are now legit. The Blues, the year before the rule changes, had built up good, lumbering defensemen who were perfect for clutch and grab hockey. The new rules skewered them for that and our defensemen have since come around. So much so that we arguably have the best defensive lines in the league.

What I don't know: Everything else. I have never fully caught up with the NHL since the strike. Jason and I did an exercise where one of us would name a hockey player, and the other would have to guess what team he was on (or if he was even playing anymore). Jason won with 2 correct answers out of 50. I got Joe Sakic and he got Brodeur and Cheechoo.

I also don't know what's up with Crosby and the Pens. I watched Jason's team alot last year mainly because they were on TV and also because the Blues depressed me.

What I want: The BlueNotes to make the playoffs and give me playoff hockey that I've been missing so much. And as always, a Canadian team to not win the cup.

The verdict, the NHL is sweet


The NBA

What I know: The Cavs and the Lakers are going to be just fine. The Suns and the Mavs are flawed just like last year. The Magic and the Hornets have promising futures. The Pistons and the Celtics are teams that the Spurs should fear and of course, never count out the Warriors.

What I don't know: Can the Celtics stay healthy and remain ageless once playoff time comes around? I don't know how serious Tim Duncan's injury is nor do I know if the Spurs have this insane drive to cement their legacy that Popavich apparently has (so I've read). I also don't know if the supporting casts for Kobe and Lebron can improve enough throughout the season to make this year different from last year.

What I want: I want the NBA to be entertaining. This means that Kobe, Lebron, the Suns, and the Warriors all experience some success. I want the Celtics to get swept first round (Can you tell I hate Boston yet?). I want Kobe to shoot 85% from the field, take 20 shots, average 45, 12 and 8 only to lose. I want similar things for Lebron.

What I really want is for the Warriors to win it all. For Stephen Jackson to buy a nightclub in New York, rig the sprinkler fire alarms with Moet and set them off with weed smoke. I want Hillary Clinton at this party to be photographed flashing Mitt Romney and Don Nelson videotaped "cranking that" (and then rumored to have superman'd Britany Spears later that night). I want Juvenile, TI, BunB, Lil Boosie, Snoop, Dre, Paul Wall and Wheezy F Your Reverend all in attendance and I want a rumor to break out that PacMan Jones opened fire in the club but Stephen Jackson "caught and disposed” of the fired rounds. I also want photos of Mike Vick slapping up Pimp C in the VIP room and when asked about it, I want Bob Costas (also in attendance) to confirm it completely deadpan.




The English Premier League


What I know: Arsenal convinced me (recently) that they can hold off Man Utd. Chelsea and Liverpool will not be in contention. Chelsea because of injuries and coaching and Liverpool because of team strategy and personnel.


What I don't know: Is Man City for real? Will Torres and Tevez (hopefully) continue their success? Why did I think the song lyrics were, "Arsenal the best!" instead of "Arsenal F C!" But that's neither here nor there.


What I want: For Cesc and Adebayor to continue icing the erotic cake of love. That means to keep scoring. Sorry. I also want for Cristiano to stay healthy because he is a privilege to watch.



The Serie A

What I know: My mother bought me a Juventus replica (away) when she was in London and so now I’m a Juve fan. I figure this is how it happens when you’re a kid, why not now. Anyway, all I know is that Kaka is in this league and not on Juve (gulp). We do however have one of my favorite under appreciated forwards of all time in David Trezeguet – cleverly nicknamed, David Trezegol – which is also clever because he’s the leading goal scorer. So clever.

What I don’t know: How Inter ran away with the league.

What I want: For Juve to catch Roma and sign Carlos Bueno. Jim knows this.

The MLB

What I know: The Mitchell report was really stupid. It may reveal something about my fanhood but I could not care less.

What I don’t know: Anything about next year, and in particular, just how bad the Cardinals are going to be. Baseball is Josh Hancock to me.

What I want: Is that significant? (A special thanks to Eebs for this one).


I'm not ready to talk about:
How good Trezegol looks in that picture.

Happy Holidays everyone

Enjoy the Show

I'll get right to it.

The following is also known as an mpeg layer 3 recorder, lame…

Beyonce. Here's the pitch:

Alright Beyonce, you've won three Grammys, you've been in a few films, you actually have a wikipedia page dedicated to your awards. You're probably in the prime of your career and because of that we want you to endorse Directv by putting a gold plated size 72 font placard in your mouth. You're gonna dance around like an idiot, gold will be everywhere - you'll be lying in it, draped in it and again, some of it will be in your mouth. For the grand finale you're going to shake your crotch at the camera singing, lemme lemme lemme lemme lemme upgrade-ja.

Does her agent still have a job? Is she even managed at all? Haven't seen it yet? Watch Beyonce commit career suicide. Yeesh.

Now that Beyonce has let you down, you can turn your attention to these next two individuals, both of whom are sweet...

Justin Bobby. I'll explain why I've been watching The Hills later. More important than that is the magic JB pulls off every episode. I speak most notably of episode 17 - when Justin Bobby goes to a club with his girlfriend (Audrina) only to eventually cheat on her with another girl... at the bar... in front of everyone.

I know what you're thinking - Juan, that's not sweet, that's quite dumb in fact. And it would be dumb if he didn't emerge from this whole event looking sweeter than before. My proof? Later in the same episode, Spencer's sister (who is simply Spencer's twin with long hair) was at the very same bar recounting the events of that night... My paraphrase: This guy Justin Bobby was there, and cheated on the girl he was with, but he seemed like the nicest one of the group.

The new buzzword for, "treat that girl like garbage and she'll still love you" is, Justin-Bobby that hoe. Thank Soulja Boy for the inspiration.

Isaac. I'll explain why I've been watching the Real World later. For several seasons of the Real World there hasn't been a truly likable character. You would think cast members were hot, but you wouldn't actually like them. Isaac's lovable freakout and the way he has brought the house together has made him the most likable character I can remember as of recent. Chatahoochee gets honorable mention for his deadpan hoosier wisdom for everything as well. Up until the most recent episode, which was filler at best, this season has been very entertaining.

Back to the incredibly lame...

Pimp C found dead. Chad Butler by himself was just a simple man who loved shellfish, but along side of Bun B he formed the likes of a formidable and fascinating rap group known as the Underground Kingz (UGK). Some of my (and Jim's) favorite Pimp C lyrics are:

Smowk sumthin beeeeeeeeetch (:06 mark warning, quite lewd after that)

I eat so many shrimp, I got iodine poisoning (1:28 mark, also inappropriate before/after that)

Maybe you should just take my word for it instead. In summary, it sucks that he's dead and I am intrigued to see what Bun B will do about this.

Continuing with the mostly lame...

The Victoria Secret Fashion Show 2007. Underwhelming is the word I would use to describe it (and just did). Here is what you'll see if you don't want to watch the whole show- which I'm not quite sure why you wouldn't, but still:

~Models constantly trying to pump up the crowd - they knew they were laying an egg too

~Way too many blown kisses - two kisses at most per show and it works, more than that and you don't feel special (they're blowing you the kiss after all)

~Artistic outfits missing the mark - if you find yourself tilting your head slightly to the side in a confused manner when you see them don't be surprised

~Alessandro mails it in - I can't tell if she thinks she is getting too big for VS or if she was just coked up.

~Too much Heidi - I never thought it would come to this but you can tell they're really missing Gisele. This year has shown that Heidi cannot support the show by herself.

Not everything was lame though, some sweet bright spots were:

~Karonlina Kurkova - pictured in my favorite outfit and entrance. She was last year's hands down MVP and would be this year if it weren't for

~Miranda Kerr - "little miss cutie" as Jeff put it

~Selita Ebanks - near flawless if it weren't for that really dumb hands outfit.
~The New Girl - The winner of the on-campus model search, out of USC (of course), absolutely kills it (18:40 mark)

I will end this post on something lame I have been meaning to talk about.

"Well done is better than well said." -Tom Brady. If I were in the midst of history I would think of better quotes than that. The quote sucks. I'm not even sure I know what it means.

Before I forget - here is the shirt I just purchased. http://www.freemikevick.com/

I'm not ready to talk about:

I hope you're all effing happy. 23 months. And for what. For what? Fighting dogs. I thought this was America

Wanna upgrade the blog? How about some feedback. I can't know whether I suck or not unless you tell me. Feed back!

This Turkey Is A Touch Bitter For My Taste

It's a Turkey-Day spesh! What more can you ask for then to be at home together with friends and family on such a momentus holiday. Oh wait, I'm not at home, and none of my friends are here.

The following is much like that mini-bottle of marmelade (pictured), sweet...

I Pardon You, Mr. Gobbles. Upon further inspection, its name is May. The President did the deed twice this year and pardoned May's back-up*, Flower as well. The names of the pardoned turkeys are actually quite clever.

2006 - Flyer and Fryer
2005 - Marshmallow and Yam
2004 - Biscuit and Gravy (my personal favorite)
2003 - Stars and Stripes (boooooo!)

Stars and Stripes? That's lame...

If you looked at that picture and thought, "that looks tasty..." For shame. If you looked at May and thought, "oh that's nice, go be free and live out all those turkey dreams you May...have." Good pun, but turkeys raised on farms are so overweight these days that the pardoned turkeys go on to die 2-3 months later. This is because their poor little turkey hearts can't bear the load of pumping blood to their morbid bodies. Morbidly delicious bodies I might add. At least they didn't end up like (from left to right) Snitch #1, Snitch #2, Snitch #3 and Guilty By Association. --->
So in summary, turkey's are a snitching species and are treated as such. The End.


*I have no idea what a back-up turkey is.


Mini-size Me. The Thanksgiving people over at Swiss Colony understand my will power issues. If you are like me, you tend to eat too many appetizers before the big meal. It's kind of like too much kissing before sealing the deal - you're still gonna finish your meal, but you're kind of upset you ate so many damn appetizers. Fear not, Swiss Colony makes it awkward to eat all three summer sausages, even though they are the size of your pinky. What's that, you've taken a normal bite of the smoked cheddar? Way to go selfish, now the other 7 people can't have any, they have to settle for pepper-jack. And they hate pepper-jack. Thanks Swiss Colony for helping me justify screaming at my selfish brother-in-law.

Football. I mention this in particular because it's 12:28, and the GreenBay-Detroit game is about to start. Phew, now I don't have to talk to anyone not watching the game. Plus I started Donald Driver on my fantasy team just to add some reason to cheer.

Shaun Rogers is really fat*. He had too many appetizers --->

*Nothing personal Shaun, but I would probably look bad in HD too.

Damn You Pam Oliver. Stop distracting my boy Donald Driver.

The following is a horse with a limp, lame...

English Media/Fans. England lost 3-2 to the Croats yesterday to be eliminated from the Euro Cup. Why am I calling out the media/fans? They consistently hate on Peter Crouch and even more unthinkable, David Beckham. One of the two of these extremely likable and valuable players did not start and the other one wouldn't have if it weren't for injury (Becks and RoboCrouch respectively). Down 2-1, Beckham one-times a ball on a cross over one defender and onto Crouch's chest, who buries it. I cannot express adequately just how impressive this cross is. The third replay shows it all. It's in fact, such a ridiculous cross, I'm done writing about this. England, you got what you asked for - complain till your vocal chords burst about the coach and the midfield and the injuries and the under-achieving. Your best player sat out the first half, and I haven't read about that once since the loss.

and in case you were wondering, I am officially in panic mode and
Not ready to talk about:

Uruguay WCQ.

Have a great Thanksgiving.