FIBA (second round): Uruguay vs. USA

Espn classic get ready. Sportscenter prepare for an emergency 2am special update. You read it here first. Its 10:40 and in 20 minutes Uruguay is going to play the United States in basketball. I can't wait.

Enjoy a live play by play of the game. No editing, no takebacks, only spellcheck. I'll add pictures during commercials - if there are any of Uruguay.

10:43 - Baseball tonight is on. Vlad just hit a fastball at his eyes over 150 meters. Jeff just asked me if I knew any players on the team. I don't. He then followed up with, "Its probably just going to be your soccer team."

10:44 - Commercials. Mute. This guy needs a home. Or rather, he needs insurance. Farmers Helppoint can help.

10:47 - Zambrano's on the mound. This game is of interest. Apparently Suppan hasn't won in 9 weeks. That's a quote. Kurkjan immediately says, "that's ridiculous." BeerMakers win. Good. Beat the crap out of eachother you two.

10:50 - Oswalt almost turns his ankle. If I knew Oswalt was on the mound I would have (holy crap Edmonds does it again) bet my life on the Astros winning. We can't touch him. Jimmy World had an absolutely silly catch. Whatever, I already knew the outcome.

10:54 - Mute. The anticipation builds throughout the silence. If we win when I'm doing a play by play of this... well I can't even imagine that. I may die at my computer. I'll have to have Jeff publish it posthumously.

10:57 - Let's goooooooo (Ortiz hits the third deck. Yanks win)

10:58 - The Gems. I'm beginning to think the barehand is overrated. Jimmy World made #1. He has to be used to it. Add it to the list.

10:59 - "Tip is in two minutes."

11:00 - "Uruguay provides the challenge tonight as the US tries to keep their record unblemished." He pronounced it correctly - Nice. The game is Vegas. The spread has to be 60. I wonder if it's up (checking).

11:02 - Carmelo hurt is heel... start the excuses. Oh wow, Lebron can dunk it. Ho hum. Esteban Batista from the Atlanta Hawks. I didnt' know that. He punched a Canadian. Then punched a different guy on the floor and grabbed his johnson. I love it.

11:03 - Mazzarini, Osimani, Aguiar, Paez, Batista. Get used to those names. They'll all be in the L after this upset. I don't even care who is starting for the US.

11:04 - Tip. We won the tip. So far so good. BANGED A THREE. Uh oh. We're confident. Ranked 30th in the world. Lebron show-boats, Redd misses.

11:05 - I couldn't find it on sportsbook. I checked bodog and the site doesnt exist. US jacks and misses a three.

11:06 - great ball movement but we miss. Kidd makes a three. Lucky. And one for Batista. He has a sick tatoo of a sun on his arm. Peep the Uruguayan flag and you'll understand.

6-3 good guys.

11:07 - (I'm gonna go by game time now)
8:00 - no I'm not, its just as annoying

11:08 - Lebron jacks and forces. Mazzarino (that can't be how that's spelled) bangs a three. The replay shows that it was right in Lebron's face. Apparently we're a small nestled country the size of Washington. We're up 9-7.

11:10 - Mazzarino misses a wide open three. Announcers are worried. Jeff gets out of the shower and exclaims, "DANG YOU WINNIN!!!." Lebron hotdogs a pass. 9-9. Batista misses a free throw, goddamnt batista. 10-9.

11:11 - The announcers keep wondering why the US hasn't pulled away yet. Lebron finds an acorn. 10-12. I hate Bill Walton. Yes obviously if he can hit that shot he'll be good.

11:12 - Redd misses again. Keep passing Kobe, keep passing. Batista with an easy lay in. Our uni's ps are sick of the sicker. I may get one. 12-12. Kidd misses. Uruguay lay-up. Immediate time-out. Oh that Krzysewski face I've been missing for too long. God I love it. 14-12. Commercials. Mute. Phew - I needed a break, I'm giving you everything I got.

11:14 - They show Carmelo and the excuses continue. "His absence is showing." I scoff. Lebron finds another acorn. 14-15. Kobe with the lay-up. I missed the turnover it happened so fast. 14-17. Another turnover, another lay-up. 14-19. I may go to sleep.

11:16 - Three ball from Mazzarino. I'm up again. 17-19. Kobe misses a dunk. HA! I love Kobe though. Batista airballs followed with a US turnover.

11:17 - Clank. Kobe takes over. And one. Fuck. Batista with the foul. I'm sure he saying inappropriate things in Spanish. The announcers talk shit about Uruguay. 17-22. Deron Williams checks in (and Chauncey, and Mike Miller). I like this.

11:18 - Shot clock violation after great ball movement.

11:19 - 17-24. Another miss. Amare steps on the line and turns it over. He has a weird band-aid on his ear. Batista with the huge dunk. We're not intimidated apparently. Holla.

11:20 - Miss, Miss. Mike Miller sucks. Tayshawn lets his hair grow out and hits a 3. I like how every player is assuming a role they aren't good at.

11:21 - Shit. 19-29 and another TO. Amare to the line. ESPN has the LSU - Mississippi State countdown going. I can't wait for college football. I'm not changing the subject though. The US presses up 12. Assholes. Whatever, it leads to a Batista layup and that's the 1st. 21-29. Alright alright. I'm nodding my head and happy. Great shot before commercials of the Uruguayan coach laughing after Lebron hits a 3. That made my night.

11:23 - Mute. Kryzsweswki recruits via commercials. That's legal...

11:25 - I realize I don't know what FIBA stands for. JayZ and Beyonce are at the game. Jay is wearing a hilariously colored shirt. 21-33. Ummmm, great oop to Batista. Walton uses the word remarkable and he's absolutely right. 23-33

11:26 - Amare offensive not called. 23-35. Great pass idiot. Turnover Uruguay. Grab that pass damn't!! Tickytac foul. Couch K clearly worked the refs. Chauncey at the line. Lebron chewing his nails per usual.

11:27 - hahahahahhaha, they show Uruguay on a map. Walton highlights it and starts talking about the River Plate. 37-23. Batista gets swatted terribly. His confidence is gone.

11:28 - Ripped, Nice. 3 ball.... damnt. 3 ball.... damnt. Tayshawn dunks after the whistle T HIM UP!

11:29 - Uruguayan gets punched in the face. Really dirty play and the clock is stopped. Waiting for the replay. Chancey destroys him then Amare joins in just like he was born to do. No ejections.

11:30 - running 3 by some dude that needs to be taken out immediately. Batista with another flush. The announcers love it. 25-37. Montevideo was just shouted out. Yeah.

11:31 - Mike Miller sucks. Billups travels and is taken out. I love K. Lebron is back in. Ho hum. Kobe looks bored, this is good, keep him subdued. Lebron dunks and slaps the backboard. T HIM THE EFF UP. are there no rules in international basketball!!!awelfkjasd;lf

11:33 - Batista subs out, we're fucked. Cross, cross, stripped, way to go Martinez. Lebron off the glass. Jacked three. Lebron again. Announcers laughing, Melo on his feet. I just dozed off for a bit. 25-43.

11:35 - Replays of Lebron confirm unremarkable-ness of play. Walton is throwing out country names and struggling. TV timeout. 5 left to half. I just scrolled up, this is getting to be quite long. Maybe I'll tone it down a bit.

11:37 - Walton didn't know they went to commercial so he's still talking. Reach not called. Kobe almost makes me stop doing this. He's fouled rather hard. 25-45. Dang... that quick. We were doing well. Walton mentions we are the worst shooting team in the tournament. Oh.

11:38 - Banged another 3. 28-45. Kobe with a street cross. Get him outta there K. Missed the throw, he just may. 28-47.

11:39 - we try to force it to Batista, I understand boys. Lebron with, what's that? another dunk. Way to work on your game Lebron.

11:40 - 31-49 and we're on the break. Our PG pulls up for a runner from the free throw line. I refuse to type for 3 minutes now.

11:43 - 34-55 bad guys. Lebron is really lame. Kobe dunks. The camera men keep cutting to the bench after every dunk. Redd is shown this time with a fist in the air. Great work fellas. Mute. 2 to go till half.

11:45 - Apparently Lebron hasn't missed yet. 4-4 from 3, 24 points... stupid. Kobe with a reverse. Amare with another hard foul. This guy is a thug. Cut to Uruguay coach. Hand under chin, unamused. 38-61.

11:46 - Walton reminds everyone why Uruguayans don't look Mexican. 94% of Uruguay is of European background. See guys... see. Lebron with another dunk. This is stupid. He chooses not to shoot before half because he doesn't want to have a miss on his stats. What a bigidy bitch. Amare hits a 3. That may have done it. That 3 really hurt. 38-66. JJ Redick teaches me how to shoot at betterbasketball.com. If only he could teach how to suck when it matters most. Now I'm just bitter. I haven't updated the time anymore. It's 11:49.

To sleep I go. We had a real shot up until that lucky 3 by Thugamire.


Final thoughts

The US got all but 6 of their points from fast breaks. I think that may be our defense. I also don't think we shot inside the 3 point line and outside of the paint. That and way too many runners. I desperately want to know the spread.

The only thing I want is that when they show the highlights on Sportscenter tomorrow is for you reader(s) to not be impressed by the Lebron compilation. As unbiased as I can be, it actually wasn't that all that noticeable. The fact that he hadn't missed actually surprised me.

I've stayed up too long and see that we shot 36%. Now I'm actually turning it off.

I liked our squad though. Batista clearly dominated and our ball movement was alright. We jack shots like the WNBA though. That's all for me, goodnight. (sorry about the no pictures...)

Something New

I've created a new section. It's called, "Rumor Has It" and I basically use this section to disclose something mostly true or mostly false. Without further adieu:

Rumor Has It... that both my parents read the entire Preakness post last week. My mom called to tell me that it was discovered under the history tab and that dad watched every video. Although he would not admit it, Juan Sr.'s favorite video was the one of the girl crying by herself with sunglasses on. You know what this means though - two more readers!! That brings the total up to 4, counting me. Pretty exciting I know

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Sweet...

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The Return of American Gladiator. I can't believe I had forgotten about this show. If ever there was an indication that steroids were on the rise - it has to be this show. I'm not just talking about the gladiators either, some of the participants are clearly juicing. Most of the ESPN classic shows I've seen have included:

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Gemini - This man, under strict definition, may actually be retarded. Watch him fight a contestant on the show because... well, because he's dumb.

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Malibu - Woops. After watching this*, Gemini may actually be the Albert Einstein of gladiators. I'm not even referring to the first 15 seconds of this video - I'm referring to the last 40 seconds.

If you were wondering... from now on when I recap my night, I'm going to say, "taking a little brewski (do hand motion), with a beautiful babe on my side (do hand motion)" in that california voice.

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*I think I got this clip from somewhere else? Sorry for not citing, but I honestly can't remember where.

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Nitro - After some discussion with my friends I've decided that Nitro is the only gladiator we liked when we were kids. I hate them all now, but I think that name makes for a great first impression. 2nd place for name goes to Turbo and 3rd place - Laser.

Both can be seen in this great video. Turbo gets pwned at first, but makes an incredible recovery on the 2nd guy. I need him playing ILB for the Rams.

And how about Lisa's move - I want her as our back-up RB.

I know we already have a kick returner, but put Mike back there too. Juke city.

This guy clearly wouldn't make it in the NFL. Too much gimick. The audio being all messed up actually kind of adds to the video. Whatever, Kyler gets punched in the face for it later. The best angle of the "overhand right" is at the 3:35 mark.

This could go on for forever - I must digress.

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Well the following is something I've been waiting to share because I believe it to be sweet...

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Without Sports. You know those "without sports" commercials that show on Espn and occasionally on CBS and such. I like this one. But I like this one that never got onto the air more.

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Without Sports. He would just be a murderer

The following is insanely lame...

Copyright Infringement. That message (pictured) is ruining me. Already on the Preakness post I found that the Gladiator scene was removed, and I was re-reading some of my Champions League stuff and every link has been taken down. I knew this would happen once YouTube was sold. Why must all good things come to an end?

back to sweet...

This is why I love Bob Dylan

I'm as pale as a ghost
Holding a blossom on a stem
You ever seen a ghost? No
But you have heard of them

What can you do - it's true. That lyric is an extract from his latest, Modern Times. If you already like Bob, you'll probably like this cd. The album has those typical Dy-lan moments that sort of cause you to forget where you are and feel dizzy with appreciation. He is clearly past his prime but I liked the album anyway. Great for driving trips.

Ps - that same song from above ends with this:

I wanna be with you in paradise
And it seems so unfair
I can't go to paradise no more
I killed a man back there
You think I'm over the hill
You think I'm past my prime
Let me see what you got
We can have a whoppin' good time

See what I mean...

Fabio gets stwerked. I promised someone I would put this video up because after all, it is hilarious.

Flight of the Conchords. Minute for minute, this could be the funniest show out there. It is unsustainable, but if you haven't been watching you need to do whatever you can and start. The videos (for now) are available on YouTube. They are in 3 parts for each episode - it's pretty straight forward.

I'm not ready to talk about:

Need4Sheed.com. How good Mike Vick looks in that suit.

Unfinished Business

I've decided to simply ignore my 90 day or so absence and pick up right where I left off. And what better way to resume than with some reminiscing...



A day to end all days. The 2nd leg of the Triple Crown as you may know takes place at Pimlico race track a short cab ride away from The Johns Hopkins University. The race is a whole day event filled with good times. Here is my day log - as I remember it.

*Anything with an asterisk is advice for later...

6:00 am - wake up time. First race is at 10 (I think) and gates open at 8am. My friend John Monagan (pronounced, mow-nahgin) is the only two-timer at Preakness among 5 guys and 1 girl.

6:40 am - we decide to leave behind Jason's cooler because it's actually the biggest cooler any of us have ever seen. Rumor has it that there are limits to cooler size and since Jason's looks something like this, better not to risk it. That leaves us with 1 clothe cooler and a big styrofoam joint for 96 beers. Space and ice are now our first worries.

6:41 am - the cab driver asks for 30 bones. Borderline extortion considering the meter runs it at about five fifty. We don't tip. At least my cab didn't.

6:50 am - the driver lies to us and lets us off at the wrong entrance for the infield. The correct entrance is about a mile away. The beer is very heavy and John and I question each other's strength as we juggle a full cooler, a case, and wooden stakes. More about the stakes later.
And in case you were wondering - neither of us were as strong as we thought.

7:10 am - we're finally set up at the entrance. We decided not to employ the locals who had stolen shopping carts and offered their carrying services. There was a substantial market for this service - very interesting. We have a good spot in line and things are looking up. The atmosphere is thick with excitement. That's until Jason shows up with an empty styrofoam cooler. The handle had ripped off and all the ice spilled out. We begin to worry about ice again.
*Styrofoam coolers were actually quite a liability. Several times people would be walking with styrofoam and the cooler would rip in there hands and pour the contents everywhere. People would cheer and heckle like crazy whenever this happened - it was great.


7:30 am - we brought a cermonial 6-pack of Presidente and had to finish this outside. Glass wasn't allowed inside. The head of security was this well spoken woman with an accent and gave a hilarious speech. It went something like this -
"We're gettin ready to open the gates. Glass bottles aren't allowed inside (points at John and I) so don't try it. Whatever my coworkers here say ain't allowed, ain't allowed inside. Don't give them any lip about this because they'll just raise their hand and you're gonna have to deal with me. You don't want this."

*Presidente, if you've never had it, is a Dominican beer and especially delicious in the morning



7:55 am - the line has condensed and people are ready with possesions in hand. John is our runner and we're heading left out of gate. The idea is that you find a spot close to the track, big screens, and betting windows. Once you get your spot you rope off an area with your stakes and caution tape and that's your land.


8:05 am - you walk through an unlit underground tunnel (underneath the track) to get to the infield and it's intense. People are cheering like crazy and the light at the end of the tunnel calls to you. Emerging from the tunnel reminded me of that baseball commercial where you're greeted by "the bluest sky and the greenest grass you've ever seen." Surreal. I paused at the end of the tunnel and people flooded by me. This made me realize that I am that dude in Gladiator when the doors open to the coliseum that gets his head bashed in because he just freezes from all the sunlight. (I think its the beginning of this scene).


8:10 am - we find Jon and begin staking our land. We tape off an unnecessarily large piece of land with a good view of the track. The problem is that the big screens had not been hoisted yet by the cranes, so it turns out we weren't near a screen. We didn't think it'd be that bad. We would eventually be wrong. The colonizing and claiming of land was incredibly revealing. I'm pretty sure I have an exact picture of how it took place with the original 13. Seriously.


9:20 am - ice is sold by the truckload just inside the gates - our fears abate. We set up our chairs, our coolers and begin our Poisson distribution of empty beer cans. Jason and I throw around the pigskin - we have that much space - until a group of security, all wearing yellow jackets, comes by and tells us to put it away. I ask a different security volunteer why we we aren't allowed to throw around the football and he says,

"I don't know. I don't give a fuck. Have a good time."

It quickly becomes the quote of the day... maybe my life.


9:40 am - trouble arrives in the form of a group of sixty Pike brothers from the University of Maryland. They don't respect our taped land. We try and hold them off to hilariously little avail. Intense semi-drunk group discussions follow about whether or not to re-tape a smaller area, move all together, or refuse to make any concessions. Israel-Palestine, India-Pakistan, manifest destiny, Canada, the war on terror, South Africa, apartheid and WWIII are all alluded to. We decide to abandon the tape and form a smaller circle of chairs and coolers. We've lost 75% of our space. The UMD kids have brought, I'm not exaggerating, 40 cases, and a blow-up pool that they filled with ice. This was surprising at first.


*Never be surprised by anything at Preakness.


10:oo am - the first race goes off. This would be the closest I came to banging a trifecta. Horse racing terminology is certainly worth learning if you have no idea what I just wrote. Our spottie along the fence finally gets its first action. We're just before turn one and the horses quite literally roar by. Everyone around us starts cheering wildly as the ponies approach but I'm once again caught silent in admiration. My head turns, and then its over - I snap out of it because I realize my first ever horse wager is actually en route.


The finish was 6,8,1a,2 and I had 6,8,2. Dang.


*It would have paid hundreds of dollars... $#%^!


10:05 am - when's the next race, I asked. 30 minutes. What do we do now? You heard the man, have a good time.

12:00 am - the time has been flying by. A day at the track can actually be quite efficient. Check the program, mention things you like about certain horses, wade through the throngs of people to get to the betting window and then come back holding your square piece of receipt paper that could be worth thousands. With just enough time after all that for a bathroom break and a beer it can actually work out quite nicely.

By this time everyone that is actually here to enjoy the day has arrived at the infield.
I must confess now that the time format I have set up loses all accountability after noon. I'm pretty messed up about now, and that means the rest of the infield is pretty messed up. Sobriety is no where in sight.

Witnessing my first port-o-potty race - Seeing this in person is absolutely amazing. The first people to get up and race cause an absolute riot. In fact, I didn't even know it was happening until a beer can sprayed over my head. What would posses a man to get up there I can never understand. I missed my throw by a ways...


*The shirtless man at the 1:19 mark died. Seriously, he's actually dead.

This video title makes me smile.

The debauchery only gets worse - Everywhere you walk you see things like this and this. The amount of violence surprised me. So many people get cut and want to bleed on you - its gross.

Do not walk with girls - let the girls walk by themselves. Every five seconds some drunk asshole screams in a girls face, "SHOW YOUR TITS!!!" This method is much less successful than the alternative, which is to simply pick up the female on your shoulders, hold her in the air and let the mob begin to chant. This is very dangerous for the holder here because if she doesn't you get pelted with beer cans. That's pretty much the response to everything you don't like at preakness, throw a half full beer at it. Either way, you don't walk with girls because if you do, you're likely to get pelted with a Busch Light.


The craziest thing I personally witnessed - the urinals are easily the most likely place to catch a disease. The ground in between the rows and 5 yards outside of the outside row is muddy. It's muddy with urine. And sometimes feces. As the day progresses fewer and fewer urinals are actually accessible without stepping in waste. My story has to do with why.
A girl stumbles up nearly unconscious to the bathroom line right next to mine. She looks over with that glaze in her eyes that we've all seen and recognize to be the empty drunk void. I start to laugh (I did alot of that at preakness) because she has the drunk parkinson's. About 5 seconds go by and she's still staring at me. I look back over and notice that she's peeing on herself. She honestly just stares at me, in front of a now empty urinal, as urine runs down her leg for 30 seconds - slightly losing her balance and readjusting every now and again. It was something out of a horror movie.


The End - preakness for most people ends like this or even better, like this. But our ending was a little different. We smashed all our chairs, waited for the last race - there is one more after the actual Preakness race - and left with a smile on our face. I also left with a new perspective on human dignity, self-control, and my life in general.