Don't let the sheepish grin fool you

Greg James.At first glance it appears I have posted a picture of Greg Oden smiling and a smaller picture of Greg Oden laughing. Or is it Lebron James in both pictures? Or is it...exactly my point. Greg Oden and Lebron James are the same person. How sweet is that.

Lebron's identity crisis began with Sprite where, "Thirst" was the name of Lebron's alter ego. Thirst would complement Lebron's house and compete with him to obtain the last bottle of Sprite. A year later, "The Lebron's" by Nike comes out where TheBron does his best Eddie Murphy impression and plays four versions of himself. A few months after that, a man by the name Greg Oden miraculously appears in an Ohio State uniform who shoots free throws left-handed. Come on. As Nick has said, "Greg Oden looks like Lebron James after a tour in Iraq."

The two options thus are as follows and equally as likely: Either Greg Oden is actually Lebron James (remember, Bron didn't get to play in college...) like I have suggested. Or, Lebron fathered his first child at the age of three. Not that unlikely. This option could be supported by developmental problems that would arise from three year-old sperm. By that I mean Greg Oden ages four times faster than a normal man. Robin Williams had this problem in Jack.

The Hearts No-Hitter.

Winning in regular fashion at Hearts is for chumps. In this picture I shot the moon three times and on the fourth turn - when no cards are passed - I still collected no points and won in the minimum amount of turns necessary to reach 100. Notice that I chose my words carefully. The Hearts perfect game would be to shoot the moon four times in a row. This unbelievably rare feat I have accomplished twice, but without proof I don't expect you to believe me. In all honesty I've been trying for the perfect game for months now. All I could show you is my no-hitter. Whatever, you're still impressed.

Pauline, Michelle and especially Ben stood no chance to my overly

clever name of the number zero.

Life After Death Disc 2. When is last time you've listened to this cd in its entirety. Unless it was yesterday, it's been too long. This album rudely reminds you exactly how unbelievable The Notorious B.I.G was. The fact that Brooklyn Biggie fans still pour out a fifth on the anniversary of his death in no longer peculiar to me. I may pour out a fifth everytime his name is mentioned in passing. Christopher George Latore Wallace, the name of my next child, died at the age of 24. Twenty-four. To put Latore's age and ability into perspective, I've put together a list of people who would have to die today to leave this world in the same fashion as Biggie did:

Vince Young, Reggie Bush, Barack Obama, Roger Federer and Ryan Howard.

I hope that helps you appreciate Biggie a little more.

By the way - Don't forget that Tupac died the same year as well. I don't think you could imagine if both Reggie and Vince had their posse's shoot each other to death and what that would do to football. In fact, please don't imagine that if you are trying.

On that note I would like to divulge into what I find to be quite lame...

Ripping off Notorious. Rappers have sampled so many Biggie beats and used so many of Latore's epic lyrics that I myself could not possibly keep up with all of the stolen lyrics. Listen to Life After Death and you'll realize how you've eerily heard most of these songs before, but you still like Big's version better. I give you an example that absolutely stunned me. In Don't Fail Me Now, Mike Jones** says a clever lyric that I always thought was enjoyable. Mike claims that a girl is feenin for his semen. I laugh even now when I think about this lyric. However, Biggie came up with this line first in Nasty Boy. Search for "feenin" and you'll see. I was so embarrassed that from now on any good rap lyric I will claim as Biggie's until proven otherwise.

**He who will remain nameless. From now on I'm referring to Mike Jones as He who will remain nameless. Back in August, He Who I Copy (Jim Stanley) complained about the non-existent promise of The American Dream. It's under the "anti" section midway down in A message to Mike Jones. Read that whole post if you want, its pretty amazing. Don't read too much though or you'll see how much better Jim is than me, also lame. But that is neither here nor there. Where was I... ah yes, from now, just like in The Lord of the Rings, or The Village, whenever anyone says Mike Jones, I'll act as if they just summoned the devil.

If push comes to shove don't think I won't ban the playing of any He who will remain nameless songs in my apartment. I'll f-ing do it.

The Bodyguard. As you may know, right now I'm in Puerto Rico without Sportscenter. That is certainly lame, but what I've noticed having to read my sports news instead of watch it is that Tank Johnson's bodyguard is getting more press than Vladimir Putin. My goodness. After hearing that Terry Johnson (I knew his real name wasn't Tank) was shot at but wasn't hit I thought, nay, hoped I'd never hear of it again. There are two stories detailing the shooting of Terry's bodyguard and now a photo of the killer has been released! Am I insensitive or is absolutely not giving two flying shits about the slaying of a nobody

This man killed

another man. So.

bodyguard guarding the body of an equally lesser person NOT newsworthy. Lets clear up a few things - A 300 pound football player does not have a bodyguard, he has a posse. Someone in Terry Johnson's posse was not slain, he was shot (thanks Chris Rock). I should probably stop writing.

I'm not ready to talk about:

Terry's bodyguard (anymore). The Puerto Rican kid I saw throwing a baseball 80 yards on the fly... into a 10 mph win.

Some Troubling News

Before I get into what I think is sweet I have some troubling news. A recent google search with my first and last name has this blog as the first website listed. That is not good. Whilst I am still in the middle of applying to medical schools or other graduate school programs I can't necessarily trust that admissions committee members have the same sense of humor as me (or you for that matter). I've always tried to keep things appropriate but when I tested this theory on my father it took him no longer than "Malice and Pusha T's Lyrical Prominence" to advice strongly in favor of shutting down the blog. He also didn't find Usher's abortion terribly useful either.

So I know what you're thinking - Shut down the blog??? Is he crazy?? What a sell-out!!
Settle down. First let me reassure you that I am indeed a sell-out, but I will not be shutting down the blog. What may be necessary however is an alias or a changing of the blog's web address. This annoys me but hopefully it will be only temporary.

In the meantime, any of you who use google to find this blog are bad people. I'm not necessarily blaming you readers that I know of, because I think most of this may have stemmed from stalkers who read on facebook that I have started a blog but did not ask me for the link directly. But I could just be paranoid. In summary, the stalkers and any of you non-bookmarkers out there are killing my future.


As for actual substance, there will be none for now, maybe some later tonight if I want to. But only if I want to.

By No Means

I made it - kind of. This semester left me bloodied and gored and when Johns Hopkins found me unconscious they did not call my emergency contact. I can't say I'm particularly surprised. One thing I actually did learn this semester though is that I have quite an imagination when I'm sleep deprived. Hopefully you readers benefit from this because I imagined a lot of things that are sweet...

The transitive property would suggest I too have a laser, rocket arm. Peyton Manning and I have the same birthday!! How about that ice-breaker. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Me - Hey Peyton. Did you know that you and I have the same birthday?

Peyton - No way! That's pretty cool. What'd you say your name was again?

Me - I hadn't said it yet.

Peyton - Well Juan, Jeff Saturday and I were just on our way to Morocco to smoke quinalbarbitone and eat some authentic pastilla. Wanna join us?

Me - Sorry I can't. That sounds pretty fun though.

Peyton - Ya, you should probably study for your genetics exam anyway...
(Turns to walk away)
Peyton - Oh ya, don't forget that heterochromatin can spread into euchromatin and silence genes. I think its called position-effect variegation.

Me - Thanks. I'll try not to.


Malice and Pusha-T's lyrical prominence. Several lyrics within the epic Hell Hath No Fury album are worth noting. I suspect that I'll actually note all of them eventually. This particular line however made me smile more than usual.

I fly them in quick. I fly them out even quicker.
By no means, am I in love with a stripper

Malice is of course referring to T-Pain's I'm in love with a stripper. (I'm actually sorry about this link) I misidentified this song to be by Usher for so long that I now actually assume it is Usher. After Malice poked fun at T-Pain, who I associate to be Usher, it got me thinking that Ursher is really getting housed within the rapper community. This isn't the first time either - Paul Wall claims that he puts on two condoms because he "doesn't want to be in bed getting burned like Usher." Ouch. We all make mistakes Paul. And by the way Mr. Slayton, putting on two condoms instead of one is actually worse - you may get burned.

This reminds me - when is the last time I've heard Usher's Burn. Even though I like Usher, I do appreciate other rappers joking about a fairly serious situation. Laughter is the best medicine. Or maybe for Usher, The Morning After pill would be slightly better.


If I could emulate one man, it'd probably be Leo. Like an expensive whiskey, DiCaprio has grown to be quite tasty with age. I present to you his resume: The Quick and the Dead, Romeo + Juliet, The Man in the Iron Mask, Titanic, Gangs of New York, Catch Me if You Can, The Aviator, The Departed and now Blood Diamond. Also part of his resume, the woman standing next to him in the picture, The Giselle. I have seen all of the mentioned movies and was thoroughly impressed with Departed, Catch, Gangs and Titanic (the rest on the This is the face he makes after
someone yells, "Leo! I want to be you!!!"

list left me quite satisfied too). Giselle is alright I guess.
In summary, the man refuses to disappoint.

He is very selective with his roles and puts himself in situations in which he can succeed. James Cameron, Tom Hanks, Martin Scorsese (twice), and even Jennifer Connelly. His upcoming productions are Blink, The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt and The Chancellor Manuscript. You can bet I'll be watching.


Wheezy F. Your Reverend. I was listening to Stuntin Like My Daddy the other day and two parts of the song confused me. The line reads: "I'm a pipe and she's like a crack addict. She saw me cooking eggs and thought I was back at it." I don't know much about the production of crack cocaine but now we all know to be more cautious when cooking eggs.

For the second confusing moment I turn to you readers and ask for your help. If you listen carefully, when Wayne says "How you want it, show me my opponent....show me my opponent." During the "...." there are some interesting sounds. I can't really describe it so I'll just come out and disclose what I'm thinking. I think Carter says, "show me my opponent," then grabs some popcorn out of a popcorn bag, begins eating it, and with his mouth full repeats, "show me my opponent." Does anyone else hear that? Your input would be much appreciated.

Wondering where my lame... section is? I've finished school but haven't started the holidays yet. I have nothing to do but catch up on sleep and watch sports. (Shrugging shoulders) not much is lame to me right now.

I'm not ready to talk about:

Babel

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

My last final is the 19th and you can begin the countdown. I've already reached my lame duck phase of senior year and although its unimaginable for my focus on school to deteriorate any more, second semester has to get worse. The following though keeps me happy amidst looming and inevitable failure, for it is sweet...

Understandable Crimes. Take note of your emotions as you read this story. My feelings were all over the place when I read this. I was obviously happy that other people make irrational decisions when seeking out late night food. I felt upset that they were fired and also furious at the anonymous tipster who reported them. I laughed when I imagined their top speed of 5 mph for a three mile journey and I appreciated John Miller using "late night creep" to describe the event. I thought Jim Hall's reaction was overly harsh and my argument to him would be something like, "Come on, you've never been hungry at midnight?" Firing them "immediately" was unnecessary. The figures thrown at me about how much the Zamboni's are worth were unremarkable - people drive 75,000 dollar cars all the time. The most intriguing of my emotions is that of sadness. Honestly, I'm a little depressed because I think about all the memorable midnight food runs I've been on and these two individuals may have showed me up.

PS - I'm going to a hockey game tonight and I know I'm going to laugh when the Zamboni's come out.

The Ipod Hall of Fame. The Hall was created last summer and is meant to congratulate and recognize those playlists and Ipods that consistently rise to the occasion of musical greatness. Inductance is taken quite seriously and as a voter I don't think my Ipod has what it takes. I thought my BeerDie playlist may have gotten nominated but even that fell short. Even musical God James Stanley has fallen short of such honors (until recently) - although this may be because his Ipod is consistently stolen. This is no excuse though, because, to put it in sports terminology, Jim may be injury prone. Analysts say that Adam Ebrahim has potential, however his lack of focus and "on the go" mentality hold him back. Current Hall of Fame members include Jim Stanley, Jon Arnstein, Adam Durham and The Tombs.

I know what you're thinking - Wow, what can I do to make the hall? It is no easy task. First and most obviously you must have the songs. This alone will not do it however, because you must also have the playlist. Once your Ipod is rolling certain events must happen. Some way or another a party participant (not you) must comment on how great the current list of songs has been. His or her peers need to emphatically agree (if one of these happens to be a voter, that helps alot). The hardest part - after somebody has noted how great your songs have been, the next several songs must elevate the already noted greatness. An average rap song - my downfall - that plays directly after the party is specifically waiting for amazing songs really kills your chances (damn you David Banner). The Tombs is great at this - normally after one good song another follows, and another even better after that, and so on and so forth which is why The Tombs has made the Hall.

The Best Rapper Alive. Have no fear as I'm not going to get into Weezy F. Baby again. I simply wanted to let my few readers know that if you haven't already, you must download "Kingdom Come," by JayZ. I mean of course the song, not the album (identically named) although you can download the album too if you want. But only if you want to.

Unlike most rap songs, this one gives absolutely no warning before the beat and lyrics start. This essentially forces you to start dancing before you are ready and I've found that to be amusing whenever it comes on my playlist as I'm walking to class. Ya, I'll dance on my way to class, deal. A shoulder shake before you open a door is always fun.

"Lost One" deserves good mention too. Chrisette's voice calms me.

I've been looking for Alicia Keys. Me and Bob Dylan that is. Like some sort of musically induced pain killer, Modern Times, gives you just what you need to enter an altered state of mind. Thunder On The Mountain, Spirit On The Water and Nettie Moore are just three of the ten songs that can make you laugh out loud or cry yourself to sleep... all at once at the same time. My personal favorite line, which I just found out to be not what he actually says, is: I could live forever, with you preferably. Apparently he says, "I could live forever, with you perfectly," but I like what I heard so much better.


It's that time of year again when I would use a time machine to travel forward a week instead of back, so naturally I think some things are quite lame...

The Internet. When I want something that should definitely be on the internet, but isn't, I'm furious. I've been looking for the past three weeks for the Reno911 clip where Steed is pulled over by Lt Dangle and literally cannot find it. I've scoured the electronic universe and somehow still cannot find what I deem to be the most hilarious Reno911 sketch I've ever seen.

Steed and his hooker get stopped by Lt Dangle and Junior (I think) the night before his wedding with Clementine and he openly admits to driving drunk and possessing all sorts of drugs to the horror of the officers who don't want to arrest him. I lose it when at the end of Steed's tirade of amphetamines and alcohol he's consumed he says, "... uh and twenty beers." He ends the sketch by smashing a beer bottle over Dangle's head and driving away. This is especially funny because Dangle and Junior clearly state they don't and will not arrest him.

Unpacking. I think I need to admit to this as hopefully this will cause me to change. I never officially unpacked when I went home for Thanksgiving and I still haven't put all my clothes away from my suitcase from when I returned either. I may actually have never fully unpacked from when I went home for the summer. I'm that lazy and I'm not sorry about it and that needs to change.

I'm not ready to talk about:
The Rams, the Blues, People who don't click on my links that I provide.

The Best Rapper Alive

With the wind chill destroying my face I've decided to update despite the incredible amount of work I have to do this week.

The following I feel is sweet...

Lil Wayne openly suggesting that he is the best rapper alive. Since the best rapper retired of course. The more I think about it, the more I furrow my brow and slowly agree. For reasons I haven't come to terms with yet, whenever I'm at a party and Lil Wayne comes on, I turn to the first person I see and say as if I'm summarizing, "You know he's the best rapper alive." The beat and lyrics are the evidence and like a jury I merely deduce exactly what he's been saying. Jim and I had this conversation once. Stuntin Like My Daddy* was playing and we both actually took a moment to ourselves to confirm if we really did think he was the best rapper alive since Hova* and we agreed that he was. Not sold just yet? I present to you some of his artwork:

In Fireman Weezy Baby explains that his, "girls can't wear [those jeans]. Why? That's where [his] stash at." Keep that in mind ladies if you want to join Lil Wayne's posse - no low cut jeans. Later in the same song he notes that a girl is as "wet as a carpool" (More pool imagery later) and that he's "been handling the game so long [his] thumbs bruise." If I were a doctor I'd have to recommend to Lil Wayne that he loosen his grip on the game if he wants the swelling to go down.

Apparently Dwayne Michael Carter has been having issues with the nickname Weezy Baby. In Weezy Baby (featuring Nikki), Nikki lets people know that, "If you don't call him Weezy then you must say the baby. If you don't say the baby then just don't say it at all." My mistake Dwayne, it won't happen again.

In Bring it Back (featuring Mannie Fresh), Lil Wayne informs the listener that he, "don't need no pool, [he's] swimming in you." He also outrageously claims that he's in a "beamer eight hundred forty," which he of course follows with, "momma shake something for me." I had never heard of a BMW 840 and so naturally I thought it was fictitious - man was I out-classed. I'm sure he didn't mean to embarrass me though.

I've given you just a glimpse of the argument in favor of Weezy F. Baby's claim to being the best rapper alive. I learned the debate is certainly a hot-button issue at a highly offensive forum. I would prefer you don't read through it though as I am going to summarize the basic argument for you - I just felt the need to cite my sources.

You people need to give it a fu[my edit] rest,feeding into his bu!!sh!t.lil wayne ain't sh!t,and he definitely ain't the best rapper alive(jay ain't dead yet dumba$$e$).you people are freakin' idiots for liking this garbage.two reasons why i am justified for thinking this:one; lil' wayne substitutes quality for catchy a$$ lyrics and two;substitutes pure rhyming skill for million dollar beats

- posted by Jay Bryd

After sifting through that spectacular grammar and syntax I get the feeling Jay Bryd isn't buying what Lil Wayne is selling. I'll let SydVicious have the last word:

Jay byrd you a hatin ass [my edit]. If you dont like lil wayne why would your take ur time to listen to the best rapper alive. Last i checked jay retired. And nobody got that swagger like wayne. You see he really aint got that many features on the carter ii, cuz he dont need them hes the best rapper alive.

-posted by SydVicious

Good retort SydVicious. As the winner I can only hope you'll use your arguing skills to obtain some semblance of an education. And for the loser, Jay Bryd, hopefully you eventually learn to read.

I leave you with the image of Dwayne Carter the child. -->
Who would have thought this boy would grow up to become the best rapper alive. Since the best rapper retired of course.

I lied about SydVicious having the last word. I get the last word. Watch.



Ohio State. The Buckeyes shed the sad saga of Maurice Clarett and made the Fiesta Bowl to face a truly worrisome Florida group. For you Hopkins readers out

there, ask Adam why he fears #4.

Adam actually attended the biggest game in Buckeye history to date when they faced arch-rival and #2 ranked Michigan. Something tells me Adam actually supports this kind of behavior. I just realized this incident was before the game. If you haven't clicked on a link yet today, make sure you click on that one. All I'll say is that it's so Ohio State to scream their school name after a reporter just finishes a Bo Schembechler piece. I was torn between putting this section under lame but I decided the reporter makes it sweet. He keeps stunning composure and then reveals that he's already been having alot of trouble with Buckeye fans, "whose sobriety is highly questionable." I could post some pictures of Adam enjoying the victory responsibly, but I uh... well ya. I also noticed the second time around how pleasant looking the female newswoman is as well (holla).



*I'm thoroughly sorry for the chopped and screwed version. The regular version has been flagged for inapropriate content and mandates you sign in or sign up. (I'm actually not sorry about the chopped and screwed, but I am sorry about the inconvenience)

I'm not ready to talk about:

Bobby Martin.