No Fergie, It is I, Not You, Who is Fergalicious

I've added a twist to the usual format today - see if you can follow.

The following I feel ihsnice as well as being sweet...

John Mayer is waiting, waiting for the world to change. Like many youth of our generation, the current environmental, foreign and even domestic challenges we face today cause John Mayer to feel a little down. He probably feels this twinge of hopelessness inbetween ectasy hits and multiple orgasms but that's why he's John Mayer and you're not. Gavin DeGraw does too, but not in the same way - I'll explain later. So Johnathan is surrounded by beautiful naked women painted his favorite colors and he writes a song. A song based on a notion that most artists, post 70s era of course, ruin their careers with. This empirically dangerous idea is to bitch about humanity/leadership/you.

You may remember the self-destruction of Kanye West. It's been too long since you've seen the loss of composure, trust me. Oh my goodness that is unthinkably hilarious. I hope you all, and by you all I mean my two readers, noticed Chris Tucker looking backstage to a producer that just threw up on a tech. Do you think Kanye left the stage after the cameras cut away or is he still standing there with incoherant thoughts paralyzing him? But all of this is neither here nor there, what I'm getting at is that if Mayer had chosen the Black-Eyed Peas route, he'd end up like, well, probably the Black-Eyed Peas.

I'm referring of course to the lamest of lames, Where is the love?, by Fergie's posse. Putting this link up pains me - know that. I haven't seen the video and refuse to watch it, so I'm only commenting on the lyrics even though I'm sure the video will make me break my laptop. Allow me to do a little compare and contrast here with lyrics from Mayer's newest hook-up song and my nemesis.

Mayer:

When you trust your television what you get is what you got, Cuz when they own the information, they can bend it all they want.

Ok John, I see what you're saying, the media does have alot of power.

Black Eyed Lames:

What's wrong with the world, mama, People livin' like they ain't got no mamas.

Oh God f-ing damn't black eyed peas - that's the first line. The first. Try again, I'm still conscious,

Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug.

I don't even think I know what they're talking about. John, your retort:

One day our generation Is gonna rule the population So we keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change.

Unabrasive, kinda catchy, true. This certainly didn't hurt John. In fact, I can say it already helped as I have downloaded it for free whereas I wouldn't have had I not wanted to hear the song again. I'm acquiring the album soon, we'll see how that goes.


Continuing with the lame...

I am Fergalicious, not Fergie. My claim seems just as reasonable as hers. Whether it's her lumps, her bridge, or how delicious she tastes, Fergie will sing about nothing else but hers truly. I wonder how long they'll ride this out. Can't you see them sitting around a table brainstorming about potential songs and Fergie keeps bringing up herself, "What about Fergidiculous... I got it,

Fergie's good looks have
ruined this man's chance to
sing real lyrics in purposely
broken English. Thanks
Stacey.

Fergiscrumtralescent... well, that doesn't work, but I think it should include me."
The only, and I mean only, thing I'll give Stacey Ann Ferguson credit for is that at least she is setting a decent example to her younger female listeners. Note, she may be Fergalicious, but she "ain't promiscuous." Take that Nelly - you whore.


Back to what sweet...

Gavin DeGraw is Bill Braskey. Jim and I once had a conversation wondering about Gavin DeGraw and his sexual prowess. We decided that after Gavin does a show, he sits backstage in his room, upset, telling beautiful groupies to take their shirts off and then leave immediately. When the girls would ask why they couldn't copulate with him, he'd simply yell in their faces, "Because I am Gavin DeGraw!" The questions and offers girls would ask the all-knowing Gavin DeGraw kept getting more and more ridiculous. "Can I birth your child Gavin? Can I carry you in my womb for 9 months?" the women would plead. Jim and I eventually started speaking in the 3rd person, kinda like the Bill Brasky sketch, and stopped once I said, "I will give birth to an army of children that I want to be Gavin's slaves. I'll ask Gavin if he wants the children and Gavin will answer, if he feels like it."

At the time I didn't even really know who Gavin DeGraw was - now that I know, I still stand by my statements.

Uruguay. Not just spectacular horses and ultra-exclusive coastlines anymore. We're headed for some real change. Check this out from The Economist:

77% of Uruguayans say democracy is preferable over any other government. I like the number, but even better than that is where Uruguay ranks compared to the rest of South America. First. Bam. That, just happened.
How about Paraguay there with an embarrassing 30% "Yes" vote to, "In certain circumstances, an authoritarian government can be preferable to a democratic one." Paraguay just became that awkward dude at the party nobody really has the courage to ask to leave. Wow.

The Lady Terps. I watched the Maryland-UNC women's game the other night and I enjoyed it tremendously. The ladies lost, but Frese has those girls playing nuts. Maryland was down 20 at one point during the second half and fought back 67-66 with 3 to go. Exciting stuff. Ivory Latta was on display too for UNC. Ludacris has been known to attend some of her games. I like that. Lamont Jordan was at the game sitting courtside supporting the girls too. No Luda, whatev.

Oh, and, Imaybeattendingawomen'sgame. That is all.

Back to lame...

Ending sentences with prepositions. I've actually done it a few times this entry. Did you notice? I'm sure Jim did, that asshole. But the joke is on you Jimbo - I did it on purpose so that you would subconsciously agree with my point. I, of course, have been listening to "Make it Rain," by Fat Joseph a fair amount and one line sticks out.
"Now why is everybody so mad at the south for?" When the 1:45 mark comes I usually hear it like this: Now why is everybody so mad at the south. For.
Listen to the song and you'll see how much you notice.

Nutrisystem, the commercial. Dan Marino endorses the product and he's brought his friends. In fact, thanks to nutrisystem, Dan is back at his playing weight. So seems to be Cris Carter and Don Shula. John Krux... not so much. My favorite line he says goes something like, "Now my wife doesn't think I'm as disgusting!" That's just not true Kruxy, she still thinks you're disgusting.

I'm not ready to talk about:

D.R.

To the left, to the left

Everything you own is in a box to the left. More on this later.

The following I feel is supremely sweet...

Guitar Hero? Yes please. I am officially sold. I had the good fortune to stumble across Guitar Hero 2 this winter break and my life has been changed. With addictive properties similar to cocaine, Guitar Hero (GH) challenges your coordination, decision making and more importantly your imagination. Like any good video game the "expert" setting is unthinkably difficult for a beginner but certainly not hopeless. The strumming button/feature is near flawless and I feel truly carries the game. Playing intricate cords and working the crowd to songs by The Police, Rage, and Nirvana is eerily rewarding.

Unlike Dance Dance Revolution, which I feel one needed to be bi-curious to play, success at GH is actually cool. My founding father Jim Stanley first started raving about this game a few months ago and when I watched him play on expert I actually had the thought - one could probably pickup girls by being good at this game. For all of the aforementioned reasons I am currently on the market for the game and the necessary guitar. That is, as soon as I recover from being booed off the stage when I tried to play "Free Bird" by Lynard Skynard on medium. Those heckles still echo in my soul. Plus it didn't help that Jeff and Jim started booing along with the game. Not cool.


Don't you ever get to thinking you're irreplaceble. You must not know about me. You must not know about me. I can have another you - in a minute. And in fact he'll be here - in a minute. Babayyyyyy. If I had to chance, I would guess that Beyonce Knowles has been putting men in their place since she was nine. I envision her on the playground in third grade with huge sunglasses covering her face, saying "Psssh" and blowing the hair out of her face before turning her back on a boy that wanted to play tag. Watch the first 30 seconds of the video and you'll be convinced. The 1:50 mark also makes you say, daaaaaaaaaaang. Or it did to me.
If you think you can
approach this woman at a
bar, you must not know
about her.

Whatever, we may be looking at the next Arethra Franklin meets Oprah and if that just scared you - good.

Although Beyonce is certainly in my sweet graces I would like to take this time to note that this section would have been posted much sooner had the first 27 seconds of Alarm not raped my ears.


The single greatest 30 seconds MTV has ever edited. On the new season of The Hills, Lauren's Teen Vogue boss (Lisa Love) made me the happiest man on earth. For those of you who don't watch The Hills, I'm proud of you, seriously, but you will not understand this section so feel free to skip ahead with your head held high.

The happiest TV moment of 2007 goes something like this: LC's boss calls in Whitney and Lauren and asks about Paris with a subtle tone of "I told you so." MTV could have left me satisfied if they had just showed Whitney gushing about the experience, wide-eyed and occasionally looking at LC as if not to exclude her from the conversation. But no, this is Music Television damnt. Lisa Love, LC's boss, then turns to Lauren like she would a disappointed terrier and says, "Lauren didn't go to Paris. She'll forever be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris." Lauren can only stare back at her in absolute emotionless amazement as MTV changes camera angles perfectly. If MTV had panned to me, I would have pretended to have a heart attack to ease the tension in the room a bit. Oh but it doesn't end there, this is Music Television damnt. Then Lisa says frankly, "Lauren stayed at home to be with her boyfriend on the beach. And how did that work out for you???" Amazing. I can guaranSheed that Liz Gateley paid Lisa Love to say that. Don't worry Liz, your money was extremely well spent.


"Grab an umbrella," is the advice Wheezy F. Your Reverend has for his listeners should he have a "fat stack." This advice of course is given several times in the new Fat Joe track. If you just thought, who?, albeit only for a moment after you read "Fat Joe," I can understand. You're also thinking of Big Pun anyway so it shouldn't matter. Either way, Fat Joe's decline is an intriguing one with a hilariously unfortunate timing issue. After Big Punisher died in the year 2000 (note year) as a direct result of his morbid obesity, Fat Joe began officially calling his posse/essence the "Terror Squad." After 9/11 (2001) Fat Joe had to have wished he reconsidered. Whether it was too late or Fat Joe was simply out of touch with the American public, he stuck with Terror Squad and much like his health, began a slow decline.

But have a spoken too soon? Any rapper who needs a booster shot must do nothing more than hire the services of Wheezy Baby. Listen for yourself. My favorite part is the 55 second mark when a stack of money is thrown at the camera, strikes the camera, and moves it the requisite amount.

If your conscious pricks up a bit when Wayne keeps saying, "I'm in this business of terror," you know why Fat Joe and his Terror Squad may still be in for some struggles.


The following I must sigh and think of as lame...

Hippie leadership. I demand to know the hippie in 1965 that decided to start the revolution at the intersection of Haight and Ashbury (in San Fran). I can guarantee one group of peyote slackened revolutionaries in a moment of drug induced revelation thought - Hey man, did you ever notice Haight street is pronounced, "hate."

Well the movement as you know wasn't all that successful as by the 70s, Peace and Love-ers were
Oh snap bro!! I live on
666 Haight Street.

assassinating each other in the streets for drug money. Who knew heroin and LSD were insanely addictive? Oh wait (holding hand up to ear, looking down), I'm being told the Old West in the late 1800s was the first to realize morphine (a derivative of opiates) was so addictive that the first ever anti-drug law materialized. This law to prohibit the smoking of morphine was in reality a way to discriminate against the chinese, but still, two birds with one stone.


I'm not ready to talk about...

Why I didn't update for so long.

You've Been Robbed

Sorry about the delayed post. I fully intend to explain what I've been doing instead of updating.

Lets get right to what I feel is sweet...

Playa Hater. In a segment on SNL, Will Ferrell claims that Notorious "Big" doesn't croon. The 1:38 mark. He must not have listened to Playa Hater on Disc 2 of Latore's Life After Death. I'm delighted and surprised to give you the link to the song. Wow did YouTube come through. The video is irrelevant and actually distracting however and for this reason I can only hope you minus the screen and just listen to the song without visual interference. Puffy's quips during the third verse are especially hilarious and serve as the cherry on top to this already heroic ballad.

If you didn't enjoy the song the first go around then you're not alone. Three of my friends actually insulted me heavily until about the fourth time it arose on my playlist in as many nights. By that time before they knew it they were all singing along. Expect to hear this song if you're at my apartment.


It's a vanity plate! It's no secret I am a huge fan of Reno 911. In case you've forgotten that Reno Miami is due to come out this August I've decided to periodically bolster your anticipation. This short clip is my favorite. If you like I believe there are three others which are easy to find. Enjoy.

What I've been doing.

Things go fairly well until I decide I'd rather stop with my body instead of my skis.

The following is quite lame on all facets...

This has taken way longer than I suspected. The compiling of the pictures has taken almost an hour and I'm still unsatisfied with how it turned out. Unfortunately I have a 15 hour drive back from Keystone, Colorado tomorrow and must get some sleep. Thus I leave you with a "To Be Continued..." in all its lame glory. Sorry.

To Be Continued...

Coming up next - The horrific and hilarious crashes of Adam and Jon. Plus I try my first 360...