Before I Forget

Sweet...

Its no secret the Big Tymers make me happy. Check out how they finish #1 Stunna. This escalates quite rapidly:

That Lexus - the new one - that come out in 2001 with the frog eyes. I got that bitch on dubs. And that Yu- the new Yukon, that's bubble-eye - I got that bitch on dubs. And that Mercedes Wagon, with the kit, that's kitted out, look like it got frog eyes - that bitch on dubs. And I got that Benz that me and my dog bought for our bitches - we got this [stuff] here on dubs. We all drive Bentley's on dubs. I'm tryin' to put platinum eyebrows on these hoes... I just bought me a platinum football field [friend].

I know that's kind of hard to follow. Allow me to break down the progression; Lexus, Yukon, Mercedes, Benz, Bentley, platinum eyebrows, platinum football field. That exchange may be one of the most enjoyable endings to a song I've ever listened to. We were left with Baby having purchased a platinum football field!

A football field is 150 yards by 65 yards of playing surface. Assuming negligible thickness that's 9,750 square yards of platinum. A troy ounce of platinum weighs 31 grams and costs about $1,100 per troy ounce. I'm in conflicting units here so I'm going to go ahead and assume based on the properties of platinum and for the sake of argument (in favor of Fresh that is) that one gram of platinum can reasonably cover one square foot of playing surface. Based on that the Big Tymers, including Wheezy Baby, (don't forget that) will need 87,750 grams of platinum. That's 87 kilos of platinum. Kilos. That translates to $31,137,709. That's 31 million dollars... dang. I thought it was going to be more than that? I guess they can afford it. Well this post has taken an unforeseen turn.

Can you even imagine the recruiting advantage Baby would have...

"You'll be the number one option here in Oakland Mr. Johnson." or

"You'll be playing on platinum... ... ... Literally running on the precious metal platinum."

I can see the news story now - "In a remarkable draft the New Orleans Tymers signed an unprecedented 31 of 32 first round draft picks for league minimum salary." Calvin Johnson, JaMarcus Russell, Adrian Peterson, Ted Ginn, Dwaryne Jarrett and Marshawn Lynch have refused to play for any other team that isn't New Orleans.

If you don't think this is possible think again. Gold, silver and platinum are so valuable partly because they don't react with oxygen (won't corrode) and they're transition metals. That means they are very soft and malleable relative to other metals. Running on a thin enough layer of platinum with some sort of polymer rubber mat underneath it would probably feel something like running on al dente lasagna slats. With the right cleats I bet Reggie Bush runs a 4.1 forty on platinum.

I approached my dad about this subject a few years ago. I promise I'm not making this up. The first thing he pointed out is that palladium (left), not platinum, would make more sense as a playing surface. This has to do with the malleability and softness of palladium compared to platinum. Palladium unfortunately is less valuable than platinum and since "sheer waste," as my father put it, seems to be essential here, Rhodium (right) should be the Big Tymers choice. I fact-checked my dad even though he was clearly correct. Palladium is 1/3 less expensive and Rhodium is a stunning 6 times more expensive. 6k per troy ounce. My dad told me to notify him once rappers upgrade to Rhodium and until then, lets not speak of things like that anymore.

Check out this segway...

While we're on the subject of bling - I miss Shyne. If you don't remember who Jamal Barrow is, shame on you. The story has that at a nightclub in New York a Puff hater approached Diddy, threw cash at him, pulled a gun and then tried to kill Puffy and then-girlfriend J-Lo. Shyne opened fire claiming self defense while Sean hid behind a table waiting for security. Everyone involved in the shooting was acquitted except Shyne. He got a 10-ball. That was in 2001.

What's he been doing in prison? Well for one he has changed his name as he converted to Judaism. He goes by Moses Michael Leviy and came out with some songs. Here is one - you can see him rapping from his prison cell. Unimpressed? Me too. But hey, if you had to rap via phone and then had your money frozen (inmates aren't allowed to profit from their crimes) - your heart wouldn't be in it either. 2011 can't come soon enough.

I'm not ready to talk about...

The "Free Genarlow/Nifong/Shyne" shirts I may have ordered online.